Augustine ✠ Confessions
Translated by DS Thorne
Caveat lector: this is the work of a Latin language neophyte.
Liber I
I
Magnus es, Domine, et laudabilis valde: magna virtus tua, et sapientiae tuae non est numerus. Et laudare te vult homo, aliqua portio creaturae tuae; et homo circumferens mortalitatem suam, circumferens testimonium peccati sui, et testimonium quia superbis resistis: et tamen laudare te vult homo, aliqua portio creaturae tuae. Tu excitas, ut laudare te delectet; quia fecisti nos ad te, et inquietum est cor nostrum, donec requiescat in te. Da mihi, Domine, scire et intelligere utrum sit prius invocare te, an laudare te; et scire te prius sit, an invocare te. Sed quis te invocat, nesciens te? Aliud enim pro alio potest invocare nesciens te. An potius invocaris, ut sciaris? Quomodo autem invocabunt in quem non crediderunt? aut quomodo credent sine praedicante? Et laudabunt Dominum qui requirunt eum. Quaerentes enim invenient eum, et invenientes laudabunt eum. Quaeram te, Domine, invocans te; et invocem te, credens in te: praedicatus enim es nobis. Invocat te, Domine, fides mea quam dedisti mihi, quam inspirasti mihi per humanitatem Filii tui, per ministerium praedicatoris tui.
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You are great, Lord, and greatly to be praised: great is your virtue, and your wisdom has no limit. And man, some portion of your creatures, wishes to praise you; and man bears his mortality around with him, bears around the testimony of his sin, and the testimony that you resist the arrogant: and yet man, a certain portion of your creations, wishes to praise you. You stir us to find pleasure in praising you; because you created us for yourself, and our heart is restless until it rests in you. Grant me, Lord, to know and understand whether to call upon you \first or to praise you; and whether to know you first or to praise you. But what man, not knowing you, calls upon you? Can one thing, not knowing you, call upon you on behalf of something else? Are you better called upon than known? But how will they call upon the one in whom the have not believed? Or how do they believe with out one to proclaim it? And they who seek the Lord will praise him. For those seeking him find him, and those finding him will praise him. Let me seek you, Lord, by calling upon you; let me call upon you by believing in you: for it has been proclaimed to us. My faith, which you gave to me, calls upon you, Lord, which you inspired in me through the humanity of your Son, through the ministry of your herald.
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II
Et quomodo invocabo Deum meum, Deum et Dominum meum? Quoniam utique in me ipsum eum vocabo, cum invocabo eum. Et quis locus est in me quo veniat in me Deus meus? quo Deus veniat in me, Deus qui fecit coelum et terram? Itane, Domine Deus meus, est quidquam in me quod capiat te? An vero coelum et terra quae fecisti, et in quibus me fecisti, capiunt te? An quia sine te non esset quidquid est, fit ut quidquid est capiat te? Quoniam itaque et ego sum, quid peto ut venias in me, qui non essem, nisi esses in me? Non enim ego iam in inferis, et tamen etiam ibi es. Nam etsi descendero in infernum, ades. Non ergo essem, Deus meus non omnino essem, nisi esses in me. An potius non essem, nisi essem in te, ex quo omnia, per quem omnia, in quo omnia? Etiam sic, Domine, etiam sic. Quo te invoco, cum in te sim? aut unde venias in me? Quo enim recedam extra coelum et terram, ut inde in me veniat Deus meus, qui dixit: Coelum et terram ego impleo?
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And how shall I call upon my God, my Lord and God? Since I will call upon him, I will certainly call him into me myself. And what is there within me where my God would enter into me? Where would God enter into me, God who made heaven and earth? And so, Lord my God, is there anything within me that would take hold of you? Or do heaven and earth, which you created, and in which you created me, truly take hold of you? Or because without you nothing that is would have been, something be done so that something that is may take hold of you? And therefore since I am, what do I seek that you would enter into me, who would not have been, had you not been within me? For I am not now in hell, and yet you are nevertheless there. For even if I descend into hell, there you are. Therefore I would not have been, my God would not have been in every way, unless you had been in me. Would it have been better not to have been, if I had not been in you, from whom, through whom, and in whom all things are? It is so, Lord, it is so. Where do I call upon you, since I am within you? Or from whence would you enter into me? Whither would I withdraw from heaven and earth so that my God, who said “I fill heaven and earth”, would enter into me?
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III
Capiunt ergone te coelum et terra, quoniam tu imples ea? An imples, et restat, quoniam non te capiunt? Et quo refundis quidquid impleto coelo et terra restat ex te? An non opus habes, ut quoquam continearis, qui contines omnia; quoniam quae imples, continendo imples? Non enim vasa quae te plena sunt, stabilem te faciunt; quia etsi frangantur, non effunderis. Et cum effunderis super nos, non tu iaces, sed erigis nos; nec tu dissiparis, sed colligis nos. Sed qui imples omnia, te toto imples omnia? An quia non possunt te totum capere omnia, partem tui capiunt, et eamdem partem simul omnia capiunt? An singulas singula, et maiores maiora, minores minora capiunt? Ergo est aliqua pars tui maior, aliqua minor. An ubique totus es, et res nulla te totum capit?
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Do therefore heaven and earth take hold of you, since you fill them? Do you fill them and remain behind, since they do not take hold of you? And where do you pour back whatever remains outside of you when heaven and earth are filled? Is it no work for you to be contained by anything, since you contain all things? There are indeed no vases which are filled with you that make you stable, because even if they would break, you would not spill out. And although you are poured out over us, you do not lie prostrate, but rather stand us up; nor are you scattered, but you gather us together. But because you fill all things, do you fill all things with your entire self? Because they cannot take hold of you in your entirety, do they all take hold of the same part of you at the same time? Or do single things take hold of single parts, greater things of greater parts, lesser things of lesser parts? Therefore some part of yours is greater and some lesser. Or is it that you are everywhere complete and no thing takes hold of you in your entirety?
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IV
Quid es ergo, Deus meus? quid, rogo, nisi Dominus Deus? Quis enim Dominus praeter Dominum? aut quis Deus praeter Deum nostrum? Summe, optime, potentissime, omnipotentissime, misericordissime et iustissime, secretissime et praesentissime, pulcherrime et fortissime, stabilis et incomprehensibilis; immutabilis, mutans omnia; nunquam novus, nunquam vetus; innovans omnia, et in vetustatem perducens superbos, et nesciunt: semper agens, semper quietus; colligens, et non egens; portans, et implens, et protegens; creans, et nutriens, et perficiens; quaerens, cum nihil desit tibi. Amas, nec aestuas; zelas, et securus es; poenitet te, et non doles; irasceris et tranquillus es; opera mutas, nec mutas consilium: recipis quod invenis, et nunquam amisisti; nunquam inops, et gaudes lucris; nunquam avarus, et usuras exigis. Supererogatur tibi, ut debeas; et quis habet quidquam non tuum? Reddis debita nulli debens, donas debita nihil perdens. Et quid diximus, Deus meus, vita mea, dulcedo mea sancta? aut quid dicit aliquis, cum de te dicit? Et vae tacentibus de te; quoniam loquaces muti sunt.
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What are you, my God? What, I ask, if not the Lord God? Who indeed is the Lord aside from the Lord? Or who is God asidfrom our God? The highest, best, most powerful, most omnipotent, most merciful and most just, most hidden and most present, most beautiful and most strong, most steadfast and most incomprehensible; unchangeable but changing all things; never new but never old; making all things new, and leading the arrogant into old age, and they do not know: always acting, always at rest; gathering, and not in want; carrying, and filling, and protecting; creating, nourishing, and perfecting, seeking, though nothing is away from you. You love, but do not burn; you are jealous, but untroubled; you feel regret, but do not suffer; you rage, but are tranquil; you change the task but not the plan: you welcome what you find, having never lost it; you are never lacking, but rejoice over gain; never greedy, but you exact interest. You are paid in excess, that you would owe back, but who has anything that is not yours? Owing nothing, you pay back debts, and forgive debts without loss. But what have we said, my God, my life, my holy sweetness? Or rather what does anyone say, when they speak of you? And woe to those who speak not of you; seeing that those who say much are mute.
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V
Quis mihi dabit acquiescere in te? Quis mihi dabit ut venias in cor meum, et inebries illud, ut obliviscar mala mea, et unum bonum meum amplectar te? Quid mihi es? Miserere, ut loquar. Quid tibi sum ipse, ut amari te iubeas a me, et nisi faciam irascaris mihi, et mineris ingentes miserias? Parvane ipsa est, si non amem te? Hei mihi! Dic mihi per miserationes tuas, Domine Deus meus, quid sis mihi. Dic animae meae: Salus tua ego sum. Sic dic, ut audiam. Ecce aures cordis mei ante te, Domine; aperi eas, et dic animae meae: Salus tua ego sum. Curram post vocem hanc, et apprehendam te. Noli abscondere a me faciem tuam: moriar, ne moriar, ut eam videam.
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Who will grant that I may rest in you? Who will grant that you may come into my heart and intoxicate it, that I may forget my evils, and embrace you, my one good? What are you to me? Have mercy, so that I may speak. What am I myself to you, that you would command that you be loved by me, and unless I would do it you would grow angry at me and threaten enormous suffering? Is it a small matter if I do not love you? Woe is me! Tell me through you mercy, Lord my God, what you are to me. Tell my soul: I am your salvation. Speak thus, that I may hear it. Behold the ears of my heart before you, Lord; open them and say to my soul: I am your salvation. May I run after this voice and take hold of you. Do not hide your face from me. Lest I die, may I die to see it!
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VI
Angusta est domus animae meae quo venias ad eam; dilatetur abs te. Ruinosa est; refice eam. Habet quae offendant oculos tuos; fateor et scio: sed quis mundabit eam? aut cui alteri praeter te clamabo, Ab occultis meis munda me, Domine, et ab alienis parce servo tuo? Credo, propter quod et loquor; Domine, tu scis. Nonne tibi prolocutus sum adversum me delicta mea, Deus meus: et tu dimisisti impietatem cordis mei? Non iudicio contendo tecum qui veritas es; et ego nolo fallere meipsum, ne mentiatur iniquitas mea sibi. Non ergo iudicio contendo tecum; quia si iniquitates observaveris, Domine; Domine, quis sustinebit?
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Narrow is the house of my soul where you would come to it; may it be expanded by you. It is ruined; restore it. It has that which offends your eyes; I confess and know it: but who will cleanse it? Or to whom else other than you will I call, cleanse me of hidden things, Lord, and spare your servant from unworthy things? I believe, and because of it and I speak; Lord, you know. Did I not speak forth to you that my offense besets me, my Lord: and you forgave the impiety of my heart? I do not contest the judgment with you, who are truth; and I do not deceive myself, lest my iniquity lie to itself. Therefore I do not contest with you the judgment; since if you observed iniquities, Lord; Lord who will endure it?
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VII
Sed tamen, sine me loqui apud misericordiam tuam, me terram et cinerem. Sine tamen loqui; quoniam ecce misericordia tua est, non homo irrisor meus, cui loquor. Et tu fortasse irrides me; sed conversus misereberis mei. Quid enim est quod volo dicere, Domine Deus meus, nisi quia nescio unde venerim huc? in istam dico vitam mortalem, an mortalem vitalem, nescio. Et susceperunt me consolationes miserationum tuarum, sicut audivi a parentibus carnis meae, ex quo et in qua formasti me in tempore; non enim ego memini. Exceperunt ergo me consolationes lactis humani. Nec mater mea, vel nutrices meae sibi ubera implebant: sed tu mihi per eas dabas alimentum infantiae, secundum institutionem tuam et divitias usque ad fundum rerum dispositas. Tu etiam mihi dabas nolle amplius quam dabas; et nutrientibus me dare mihi velle quod eis dabas. Dare enim mihi per ordinatum affectum volebant quo ex te abundabant. Nam bonum erat eis bonum meum ex eis; quod non ex eis, sed per eas erat: ex te quippe bona omnia, Deus; et ex Deo meo salus mihi universa. Quod animadverti postmodum, clamante te mihi per haec ipsa quae tribuis intus et foris. Nam tunc sugere noram, et acquiescere delectationibus, flere autem offensiones carnis meae; nihil amplius.
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But nevertheless allow me to speak in the presence of your mercy, allow me, earth and ashes, to speak. Since, behold, mercy is yours, it is not man who scoffs me to whom I speak. And perhaps you mock me; but having turned around you will have mercy on me. For what is it that I wish to say, Lord my God, except that I do not know whence I came here? I say into this mortal life, whether it is a mortal life I do not know. And the consolations of your mercies sustained me, just as I heard from the parents of my flesh, from whom and in whom you formed me in time; for I do not remember. The consolations of human milk sustained me. Neither my mother nor my nurses filled their own breasts: but through them you gave me an infant’s nourishment, according your arrangement and your wealth set out unto the foundation of things. And besides, you gave it to me not to want more than you gave; and you gave it to the ones nourishing me to want to give me what you gave them. Indeed, they wanted to give me through the ordained state of body in which manner they had abundance from you. For the good for them was my good from them, because it was not from them but rather through them: of course all good things are from you, God; and from my God comes all my salvation. Which I noticed afterwards, because you are calling me through these things themselves which you bestowed within and without. For then I knew how to suck, and to rest in delectation, to cry over the displeasure of my flesh, nothing more.
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VIII
Post et ridere coepi, dormiens primo, deinde vigilans. Hoc enim de me mihi indicatum est et credidi, quoniam sic videmus et alios infantes: nam ista mea non memini. Et ecce paulatim sentiebam ubi essem, et voluntates meas volebam ostendere eis per quos implerentur, et non poteram; quia illae intus erant, foris autem illi, nec ullo suo sensu valebant introire in animam meam. Itaque iactabam membra et voces, signa similia voluntatibus meis, pauca quae poteram, qualia poteram: non enim erant veri similia. Et cum mihi non obtemperabatur, vel non intellecto, vel ne obesset; indignabar non subditis maioribus, et liberis non servientibus, et me de illis flendo vindicabam. Tales esse infantes didici quos discere potui, et me talem fuisse magis mihi ipsi indicaverunt nescientes, quam scientes nutritores mei.
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After this I began to smile, at first sleeping, then waking. For that I did this was told to me and I believed it, since we see such things in other infants. But I don’t remember these things of myself. And behold, little by little I learned where I was. And I wanted to show my desires to those who satisfied them, but I was not able to, because the desires were within me and those who satisfied them without. Nor did they have the ability to enter into my soul by any sense faculty. And so I threw my limbs about and cried with a sign similar to my desires, the few that I could, of the sort that I could. And when it was not obeyed, either since it was not understood intellect, or since it was harmful, I resented those placed not under but above me, those who were free and not my servants; and I took revenge on them by crying. Those infants I was able to become familiar with taught me that infants are like this; these infants who know nothing showed me that I myself had been like that better than those nurses of mine who do know.
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IX
Et ecce infantia mea olim mortua est, et ego vivo. Tu autem, Domine, qui et semper vivis, et nihil moritur in te, quoniam ante primordia saeculorum, et ante omne quod vel ante dici potest, tu es, et Deus es Dominusque omnium quae creasti: et apud te rerum omnium instabilium stant causae; et rerum omnium mutabilium immutabiles manent origines; et omnium irrationabilium et temporalium sempiternae vivunt rationes. Dic mihi supplici tuo, Deus, et misericors misero tuo; dic mihi utrum iam alicui aetati meae mortuae successerit infantia mea: an illa est quam egi intra viscera matris meae? Nam et de illa mihi nonnihil indicatum est, et praegnantes ipse vidi feminas. Quid ante hanc etiam, dulcedo mea, Deus meus? fuine alicubi, aut aliquis? Nam quis mihi dicat ista, non habeo; nec pater nec mater potuerunt, nec aliorum experimentum, nec memoria mea. An irrides me ista quaerentem, teque de hoc quod novi, laudari a me iubes, et confiteri me tibi?
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And, behold, my infancy died at some point, and yet I live. But you, Lord, always live and nothing dies in you since before the first of ages, and before anything which can be called “before”, you are, and you are God and Lord of all that you created: and with you stand the causes of all unstable things; with you remain the immutable origins of all mutable things; and with you live the sempiternal reasons of everything irrational and temporal. Tell me, your suppliant, merciful God, your wretched one, tell me whether at that time my infancy followed upon any period of my mortal life: whether it is that which I led within my mother’s womb? For a certain amount of it has been shown to me, for I myself have seen pregnant women. What was before this, my sweetness, my God? Was I anywhere, or anything? For who would tell me these things? I do not know. Neither father nor mother could have, nor another person’s experience, nor my memory. Do you ridicule me who asks these things and yet command that you be praised by me, and confess to you these things that I know?
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X
Confiteor tibi, Domine coeli et terrae, laudem dicens tibi de primordiis et infantia mea quae non memini; et dedisti ea homini ex aliis de se coniicere, et auctoritatibus etiam muliercularum multa de se credere. Eram enim et vivebam etiam tunc, et signa, quibus sensa mea nota aliis facerem, iam in fine infantiae quaerebam. Unde hoc tale animal nisi abs te, Domine? An quisquam se faciendi erit artifex? aut ulla vena trahitur aliunde, qua esse et vivere currat in nos, praeterquam quod tu facis nos, Domine, cui esse et vivere non aliud atque aliud est; quia summe esse, atque summe vivere idipsum es? Summus enim es, et non mutaris; neque peragitur in te hodiernus dies, et tamen in te peragitur, quia in te sunt et ista omnia: non enim haberent vias transeundi, nisi contineres ea. Et quoniam anni tui non deficiunt, anni tui hodiernus dies: et quam multi iam dies nostri et patrum nostrorum per hodiernum tuum transierunt, et ex illo acceperunt modos, et utcumque exstiterunt, et transibunt adhuc alii, et accipient, et utcumque existent! Tu autem idem ipse es; et omnia crastina atque ultra, omniaque hesterna et retro hodie facies, hodie fecisti. Quid ad me, si quis non intelligat? Gaudeat et ipse, dicens: Quid est hoc? Gaudeat etiam sic; et amet non inveniendo invenire potius, quam inveniendo non invenire te.
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I confess to you, Lord of heaven and earth. Let me praise you speaking of the origins of infancy which I do not remember. You gave it to man that he should learn from others about himself, and that he should believe many things about himself on the authority of unsung women. I was and I lived also then, and now, in the end of my infancy, I sought the signs by which I made my feelings known to others. Whence comes such an animal if not from you, Lord? Will anyone be the craftsman to produce himself? Is there any vein leading from elsewhere by which being and life flow into us, except that you make us, Lord, for whom being and living are both not different yet different; because you are the highest being and also the highest life together? For you are the highest, and you do not change; nor does this day come to an end in you, and nevertheless it does come to an end in you, because in you are all those things: for they would not have had roads to pass through by, except that you sustained them. And since your years lack nothing, your years are but one today: and how many days of ours and our fathers have since passed through this your today, and from it received their manner of being, and existed to their extent, and other days shall go hence, and receive and exist to their extent! You yourself however are the same; all future things beyond today and all things past before today you shall make and have made today. What it is to me if someone cannot understand this? Let him give praise, saying, What is this? Let him give praise thus, and let him rather love to find, by not finding it, than by finding not to find you.
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XI
Exaudi, Deus. Vae peccatis hominum! Et homo dicit haec, et misereris eius; quoniam tu fecisti eum, et peccatum non fecisti in eo. Quis me commemorat peccatum infantiae meae? Quoniam nemo mundus a peccato coram te, nec infans cuius est unius diei vita super terram. Quis me commemorat? An quilibet tantillus nunc parvulus, in quo video quod non memini de me? Quid ergo tunc peccabam? An quia uberibus inhiabam plorans? Nam si nunc faciam, non quidem uberibus, sed escae congruenti annis meis ita inhians, deridebor atque reprehendar iustissime. Tunc ergo reprehendenda faciebam: sed quia reprehendentem intelligere non poteram; nec mos reprehendi me, nec ratio sinebat. Nam exstirpamus et eiicimus ista crescentes. Nec vidi quemquam scientem; cum aliquid purgat, bona proiicere. An pro tempore etiam illa bona erant, flendo petere etiam quod noxie daretur; indignari acriter non subiectis hominibus, liberis et maioribus, hisque a quibus genitus est, multisque praeterea prudentioribus non ad nutum voluntatis obtemperantibus; feriendo nocere niti quantum potest, quia non obeditur imperiis quibus perniciose obediretur? Ita imbecillitas membrorum infantilium innocens est, non animus infantium. Vidi ego et expertus sum zelantem parvulum: nondum loquebatur, et intuebatur pallidus amaro aspectu collactaneum suum. Quis hoc ignorat? Expiare se dicunt ista matres atque nutrices nescio quibus remediis. Nisi vero et ista innocentia est, in fonte lactis ubertim manante atque abundante, opis egentissimum, et illo adhuc uno alimento vitam ducentem, consortem non pati. Sed blande tolerantur haec, non quia nulla vel parva, sed quia aetatis accessu peritura sunt. Quod licet probes, cum ferri aequo animo eadem ipsa non possunt, quando in aliquo annosiore deprehenduntur.
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